The person who ...
buys her German
shepherd a puzzle treat
will be the kind of parent who ...
gets angry with her daughter
for choosing a gap year.

The person who ...
virtue-signals about
rescuing a pit bull
will be the kind of parent who ...
struggles with his biological
child’s white privilege.

The person who ...
lets her terrier pee
on the rug
will be the kind of parent who ...
lets her kids throw keggers
because “If they’re going
to drink, I’d rather they do
it in the house.”

The person who ...
Instagrams his labradoodle
will be the kind of parent who ...
ignores his child and continues
Instagramming his labradoodle.

The person who ...
pushes her dog in a stroller
will be the kind of parent who ...
breastfeeds until her son
reaches boob-height
without a stool.

The person who ...
lets his shih tzu poop
on the lawn marked
“Please Respect Grass”
will be the kind of parent who ...
allows his baby to beat
silverware to “Baby Shark”
videos while dining at Alinea.

The person who ...
knits sweaters for her
three Jack Russells
will be the kind of parent who ...
already looks forward to
grandchildren when her
first baby is born.

The person who ...
gives her whippet CBD
will be the kind of parent who ...
uses oils instead of vaccines.

The person who ...
buys a noisy,
deranged Chihuahua
will be the kind of parent who ...
drinks wine from an
insulated tumbler during her
2-year-old’s birthday party
at a trampoline studio.