By the salty sainted ghost of Mike Royko, how the Billy Goat Tavern on Lower Michigan has changed! It used to be a newspaper bar, but with both the Tribune and Sun-Times no longer nearby, ink-stained tipplers are scarce. Now the Goat has become a haven for locals to quietly mock tourists. Look at those prep school boys, competing over who can bellow “Cheezborger!” most obnoxiously. Or that pastel-polo-shirted Iowa couple saying how they loved the Art Institute but didn’t dare head south of Jackson. Then there’s that jagoff talking his poor date into a Malört shot and mansplaining about “authenticity.” The best scoffing is done from Wise Guy’s Corner, just to the right of the door — it was the favorite nook of wizened journalists, who could peer over the whole room from there. But don’t take a stool from a wise guy, lest you be nonsilently judged. 430 N. Michigan Ave. billygoattavern.com