Illustration: John Wiencek

The moment Bears fans realized this year’s team was for real, everyone began making inevitable comparisons to the legendary 1985 squad. That team was stocked with larger-than-life characters-Hall of Famers, eccentrics, and braggarts-which made them media darlings. (Heck, even the defensive coordinator scored endorsement deals.) Outside of linebacker Brian Urlacher, the ’06 Bears just don’t have that kind of star wattage. Here, we present a parody of the infamous “Super Bowl Shuffle” released by members of the ’85 Bears during that season-dedicated to this year’s faceless team.

[Chorus]
We are the Bears Mumblin’ Crew
On this whole team
You’ve heard of one or two
We’re pretty good players
But we’re kind of boring
Our last press conference had reporters snoring
Don’t talk trash, don’t boast or sneer
Bunch of free agents at the end of the year
We do our best to act dull and humble
We’re just here to do the Super Bowl Mumble

[Rex Grossman]
I’m QB Rex
And I respect the game
But all I ever wanted was my own nickname
My passing is fine, but my quotes are a bore
I’m less like McMahon and more like Al Gore
With my fragile knee
Just pray I don’t stumble
And if the ankle holds up, I’ll do the Super Bowl Mumble

[Bernard Berrian]
The name’s Bernard
And I wear number 80
I’ve got as much star power as Ned Beatty
I try to get in, but the bouncer says no
That being said, I’m huge in Fresno
If I’m still on the roster
I’ll be ready to rumble
And I’ll be there to do the Super Bowl Mumble

[Brian Urlacher]
I’m the big man
They call Urlacher
I’ve got all the flair of a pair of pressed Dockers
My head is shaved
My looks mediocre
But I’ll get you in touch with a really good broker
I’d rather go fishing
Than chat with Gumbel
I just wanna do the Super Bowl Mumble

[Robbie Gould]
My name is Robbie
I’m a field goal kicker
Barely old enough to buy my own liquor
No one cares my dad played pro soccer
Still have to carry the bags for Urlacher
But I’m just a kicker
Don’t mean to grumble
I’d be honored to do the Super Bowl Mumble

[Muhsin Muhammad]
They call me Moose
Cuz no one knows my name
Probably not going to the Hall of Fame
Coming to terms with my own obscurity
Still get stopped at airport security
Got no time to holler and boom
I’m gonna do the Mumble fast, then hit the weight room

[Lovie Smith]
My name is Lovie
And I’m the coach
My rock-hard ethics are beyond reproach
Unlike Iron Mike, don’t believe in vulgarity
Please make a donation to my favorite charity
Good Lord willing, Thomas Jones won’t fumble
And I’ll be allowed to do the Super Bowl Mumble

[The Rest of the Mumblin’ Crew]
Jones and Johnson and Harris and Brown
We’re the most forgettable names in town
No Fridge, no Sweetness, no Singletary
Our roster may have a couple guys named Larry
But our end is a prince
Somewhere in Nigeria
Our tackle built a school somewhere in Liberia
We’re nice enough guys, not rough and tumble
And we’re just here to do the Super Bowl Mumble

If you’d like to purchase a copy of the 1985 Super Bowl Shuffle you can find that information at http://www.superbowlshuffle.net