1 Acupuncture

Ease your ferret’s arthritis with this 2,000-year-old Chinese medicinal practice. Royal Treatment Veterinary Center specializes in the pins-and-needles treatment, as well as animal massage, chiropractic care, and underwater treadmill therapy. (The docs practice conventional medicine, too.) $70, royaltreatmentveterinarycenter.com

2 Reiki

Has all that begging for treats got your pet stressed out? Reiki by Ardath in Evanston will restore your pooch’s or kitty’s vitality by channeling its energy through the healing power of touch (a.k.a. the most expensive petting of your animal’s life). $120 for a 35-minute session, ardath.com

3 Spa Day

Sure, your pet basically gets a mud bath every time it rains. But is it a therapeutic mud bath? At Paradise4Paws, your dog or cat can also get a hot oil treatment, pedicure, or, uh, tattoo before taking a dip in a bone-shaped swimming pool. Price varies by service, paradise4paws.com

4 Telepathy

Rabbit being standoffish? Unfinished business with your deceased dog? Rachael Resk, an “animal communicator” in Naperville, claims to read minds to get answers. She helps find lost pets, too. $140 an hour, rachaelresk.com

5 Testicular Implants

Insecure women get their dog a Chanel collar. Insecure men? Say hello to Neuticles, prosthetic testicle implants for neutered pets. They start at $139 for an extrasmall pair—but if you’re buying fake balls for a dog, you’re not getting the extrasmall. neuticles.com

… And Then There’s the Afterlife

Three ways to pay tribute to your dearly departed pet:

Bury It in Style:Thanks to a certain Stephen King book, pet cemeteries have gotten a bad rap. Hinsdale Animal Cemetery, though, is downright lovely—but lovely doesn’t come cheap. A deluxe coffin and burial for a large dog starts at $1,135 (headstone and annual upkeep not included). More frugal options, such as group cremation, are also available. petcemetery.org

Commission a Portrait:If you long to look into your pet’s eyes one last time, Skokie artist Laura Luisa Cowell can make that happen. Her uncannily realistic acrylic paintings, using your photos as inspiration, are all about the gaze: as in, that pleading look you get when you open a bag of chips. A large full-body portrait costs $400; a small one of the face runs $180. lauraluisapainter.com

Turn It into a Diamond:“My, what a beautiful pendant!” “Why, thank you! It’s my parrot’s cremains.” The ultimate conversation starter—and stopper—is also a dazzler. LifeGem, near O’Hare, will convert ashes into diamonds using high-tech carbon extraction and pressure. A half-carat stone hovers near the $7,000 mark, which proves that pet expenses, like diamonds, are forever. lifegem.com

For the Pet Who Has Everything

Duck diapers, dog dresses, and hamster treats you didn’t know you needed

Sure, your pet would just as soon eat a dirty diaper. That doesn’t stop Happy Dog Barkery from baking grain-free gourmet confections made with peanut butter, carob, and liver, including a footlong one shaped like a bone ($27). happydogbarkery.com

Asian carp: healthier than you think! The invasive species is high in protein and low in fat, which is why BareItAll Petfoods uses the fish in sustainable dog snacks ($8). bareitallpetfoods.com

Can’t bear leaving your chicken in the coop? Raise your incontinent feathered friend indoors with handmade bloomers ($40) from Party Fowl Pets. partyfowlpets.com

Nothing says “I worship my Pomeranian” like an Orostani Couture custom-made aqua-sequined gown ($225), complete with leash hook so she can prance around town. orostanicouture.com

For the Gwyneth Paltrow of kitties: handmade felt toys ($5) from Princess Dreams that are about as pure as a seven-day juice cleanse. Of course they’re shaped like veggies. etsy.com/shop/princessdreamsinc

Prevue Pet Products’ fruit-flavored Hamsteroids Cosmic Chew Sticks ($7), made from ground limestone and seashells, will keep your tiny pal’s teeth from growing to nightmare lengths. prevuepet.com

True love knows no bounds like that of the owner who wants to sleep in a bed that looks just like the dog’s. Henry Dog Design has you and your poodle covered (from $625 for animals and $695 for people). henrydogdesign.com