Mild sauce is the most overlooked condiment in the history of this entire galaxy. The mainstream media has really dropped the ball on this. I feel like people don’t talk about mild sauce enough. Or maybe people talk about mild sauce all the time and I’m just not around for those conversations. Maybe I need to start talking about mild sauce more and that’ll get the ball rolling.

I’ll explain for the uninitiated. If you live on the South Side or West Side and you go to a restaurant that has bulletproof glass, they probably have mild sauce. Apologies, that was a horrible explanation. I’ll try again. If serenity had a flavor, it would taste like mild sauce. It should have Sriracha levels of fame. I think it’s a combination of barbecue sauce, hot sauce, and ketchup. The reason I’m guessing is because I’ve never seen an actual bottle that says “mild sauce” on it. They always pour it from some blank, nondescript bottle.

It tastes amazing. In my 34 years, I can’t recall being angry while eating something with mild sauce on it. I would eat a rat that only ate rats all his life if you put enough mild sauce on it. A couple years ago, while I was bored in a trailer, I got so excited about mild sauce that I decided to do a documentary about me trying to start my own successful mild sauce company. I’m not lying. I called three of my friends and told them about my idea. They acted excited about it, but they may have been faking. I didn’t give a shit either way, I needed the good vibes.

If you haven’t tried it, you need to put your phone down and get off the toilet and head to the closest Harold’s or Uncle Remus or Coleman’s or Peeples Taco or any one of the many other places that carry this classic Chi-town concoction. In conclusion, I’m terrible at ending articles, and I will use eighth-grade writing techniques to do so.