PHOTOGRAPH: PHIL VELASQUEZ/CHICAGO TRIBUNE

1Thou shalt make sure thy dog has pooped prior to arrival; if unsuccessful, thou shalt immediately pick up thy dog’s poop at the beach.

2Thou shalt close the damn gate.

3Thou shalt bring only fully vaccinated and dewormed dogs. What art thou, a hippie?

4Thou shalt return stolen doggy balls to their rightful owners, canine or human.

5Thou shalt not let aggressive pups off leash, however well intentioned and/or sweet they may be with thy 10-year-old nephew Joey.

6Honor the sanctity of this dog-only space, and leave thy cats, rabbits, ferrets, and potbellied pigs at home.

7Thou shalt not bring thy itty-bitty new puppies, lest they be trampled by their elders or swept away by the waves.

8Thou shalt not make judgmental comments about any breed of dog being “dangerous.”

9Thou shalt yell “Knock it off!” when thy dog humps another.

10Remember the dog beach, to keep it holy, and do not under any circumstances swim or sunbathe, lest thou seeketh immediate institutionalization.