Look up ” psychic ” in the Chicagoland Yellow Pages and you’ll finally understand the sheer number of storefronts there are out there beckoning with their neon-lit crystal balls. But just how accurate are these so-called seers? The Closer recently visited a tarot card reader ($70) and a psychic ($30), asked them the same eight questions, then checked their answers against those of three other, less expensive sources: a Ouija board ($15.95), a Magic 8-Ball ($7.99), and my six-year-old nephew in Cincinnati, Joel (an ice-cream cone).

 

 

 
1. Have I had past lives? Many. You may have been a religious teacher. You have psychic abilities; you just don’t have a sign on your door. Very doubtful.

2. Will my wife have another baby?

She is already pregnant. She is having a girl.

Don’t count on it.

3. Will the Sox win the World Series again?

The cards say they will get close, but they will not win it. They’ll probably lose in the playoffs.

It is decidedly so.

4. Will I be able to sell my screenplay?

You will, but it will never make it onto the big screen, unless you market it correctly.

Better not tell you now.

5. Will I get a raise this year?

Yes. You will have a very good year, financially.

You may rely on it.

6. Will I commit bodily harm to the stray cats stinking up my back deck?

You are not a violent person. You will go to Petco and buy that stuff that keeps cats off of the furniture.

Yes definitely.

7. Will I live a long life?

Yes. Late 80s, 90s. But you will need a walker at the end.

Outlook not so good.

8. Anything else?

Without a spiritual element you are out of balance. You should try going to synagogue more.

Yes definitely.

 

 

 

 
1. Have I had past lives? Yes. You had blond hair and blue eyes and were very good-looking. No. God makes everybody with their own bodies and they don’t take parts away.

2. Will my wife have another baby?

Yes. You will have a boy. And then you will have twins, which is good.

No. I want to be the only nephew.

3. Will the Sox win the World Series again?

They will gain fame around the world, but no. Their pitching is not reliable.

No, because they are not in the lead.

4. Will I be able to sell my screenplay?

It will be years, but when you sell it, it will be a sensation. You will earn a lot of money. So it’ll be made into a movie? No. These things are difficult.

Yes. Someday it will be so popular.

5. Will I get a raise this year?

No. I can see that you don’t love your job, yet you feel content there. Maybe this screenwriting will pay off.

Yes, because you’re working really hard. $20.

6. Will I commit bodily harm to the stray cats stinking up my back deck?

 If you can control your rage for eight to nine months, they will leave on their own.

No, you will make them live in a litter box where nobody hardly goes-but don’t put the cat in jail.

7. Will I live a long life?

I’m seeing late 70s or early 80s. You will not be in pain.

You will live to be 80 because you eat all right.

8. Anything else?

You and your wife will grow old together because you are soul mates.

Our troops will get out of Iraq on December 1, 2006.

 

 

  
1. Have I had past lives? Yes. Was I someone famous? Yes. Who? Khrscv. I was Nikita Khrushchev? Yes.

2. Will my wife have another baby?

Yes. What will the kid’s name be? Tang Tripsm.

3. Will the Sox win the World Series again?

No.

4. Will I be able to sell my screenplay?

No. Why not? Hrvey. Hrvey? Harvey Weinstein? Yes.

5. Will I get a raise this year?

Yes. Really? No.

6. Will I commit bodily harm to the stray cats stinking up my back deck?

No. Why not? They wll kil u.

7. Will I live a long life?

No. How long do I have? 22. 22 years? 22 days? 22 seconds? Goodbye.

8. Anything else?

22.

Photography: Crystal Ball J. Herrero, Nephew Kenn Ruby, Khrushchev © Mary Evans Picture Library/Alamy