1. Ghost Train
Doesn’t require a costume. Tell your host you’ll be arriving at the party in five minutes. Then ten minutes. Then don’t show up at all.
2. Willie Wilson
Put on a suit and hand out gasoline and groceries from your front porch. The line outside your house will stretch around the block.
3. State Street Preacher
Bring a microphone and a portable speaker to a party. Tell all the guests they’re going to hell for celebrating a pagan holiday. Don’t worry about getting kicked out. No one will pay attention to you.
4. Eagleman
Wear an eagle costume. Sit on a giant egg. If you bring along a blonde and a brunette to shout “Look at those lowwww rates!” you will win the costume contest.
5. Resurrection Mary
Wear a white dress. Soak your hands in ice water, so they feel like a cadaver’s. Pick up a guy at the party. Give him your address, and ask him to drive you home. When you pass a cemetery, tell him “I have to go, and you can’t follow me,” and get out of the car. He’ll come looking for you the next day. Have your roommate tell him, “She was killed in a car accident four years ago.” Hide behind the couch and film the look on his face.
6. Nobody Nobody Sent
Go to a stranger’s party. When someone asks who invited you, say “Nobody.” If they’re willing to party with somebody nobody sent, they’re probably not from Chicago.
7. Lori Lightfoot
Take your pants to the tailor. Ask, “Can you let the hems out five or ten inches?” Try not to step on your cuffs.
8. Ghost Payroller
Your child will get a bag full of candy without having to go trick or treating. Kids need to learn how to game the system at an early age.
9. J.B. Pritzker and Michael Albert
Find a fat friend. Ask him to dress in a gray suit and slick back his hair with brylcreem. Stand next to him all night, interpreting everything he says in sign language.
10. Baberaham Lincoln
Also known as Sexy Abe Lincoln. Your costume is a top hat, a fake beard, a black corset, garters and high-cut boots.
11. Darren Bailey
The problem with trying to dress as Darren Bailey is that you can’t wear a mask.
12. Running Rod
Rod Blagojevich is no longer allowed to run for office in Chicago, but now that he’s out of prison, he can be seen running the streets of Ravenswood Manor. Steal his look with a floppy gray wig and a black tracksuit.
13. The Arlington Heights Bears
Be the first to wear the Bears’ future uniform by painting an interlocking “AH” over the “C” on a helmet.
14. The Beef line cook
With a white t-shirt, a blue apron and a pack of cigs, you can be a dirtbag line cook a la The Bear. Stand at your front door and hand out Italian beef sandwiches to trick-or-treaters — dipped, so the juices will soak into their candy, and give it all the taste of Chicago.