It has come to our attention that the CTA Blue Line is not, in fact, a train. Elon Musk took steps toward abetting the crisis this week, winning the bid on an 18-mile transit line that would move people between downtown Chicago and O’Hare in 12 minutes, for $25.

First, our apology for the 34-year misunderstanding. Believe us: we had legitimate reason to believe the Blue Line was a train. Our deepest gratitude to Grimes’s boyfriend for exposing this failure in urban planning.

So what is the Blue Line, if not miles of track moving people to and from the airport? Our best guesses on the machine’s utility, below.

Lovers’ tour of the Kennedy

Bumper-to-bumper traffic. An Outback Steakhouse. Billboards for 101.9 The Mix—once Eric & Kathy, now just Eric. The I-90 corridor is home to Chicago’s more romantic landmarks. Cuddle up with that special someone on the Blue Line and take ‘em all in. The City of Chicago recognizes the power of love, and sunk millions into the Blue Line so residents could marvel in its force.

Clearing house for clinical study participants

Make that sweet, sweet U. Chicago lab rat cash. What better way to cross-reference clinical study ads than on the CTA Blue Line, a buffet for those looking to monetize various physical/mental ailments. Get that $250 over 12 weeks, girl.

Premiere locale for latest, loudest teen gossip

Before the Blue Line’s extension northwest in 1970, city-dwellers had little means of eavesdropping on Jefferson Park teenagers. Thanks to the CTA’s commitment to youth culture, learning what Danny Snapchatted Sophie during bio is simpler than ever.

World’s most distracting mobile reading room

Please note the conditions—blaring loudspeaker, indistinguishable stench, blasts of subzero wind—are such that you’ll only conquer four pages of your book at a time. Also acceptable: half-listening to podcasts as you falling asleep. Laughing aloud is forgivable, but discouraged.

Band-Aid for seven-mile chasm in highway 

When engineers constructed the Kennedy in 1960, they famously overshot its width by 25 feet, leaving a gaping hole between its north and southbound lanes. Though the Blue Line maintains the appearance of a locomotive, it is nothing more than a blanket for this gap; its removal could send droves of motorists to their deaths. A stretch? Maybe. But far from Chicago’s biggest coverup.