A local newspaper this week published yet another anti-cyclist commentary, and it just seemed so…inefficient. The same predictable column has been written hundreds of times, each triggering the same predictable cycle of outrage. Shouldn’t algorithms—machine learning, if you will—be able to write these for us by now?

Therefore I humbly offer the following template to any of my peers in local media, free to use any time there is a desperate need for content to be funneled and clicks to be baited.

Let me tell you, cyclists are such — CHOOSE ONE —whiny babieslatte-sipping, Lycra-wearing libtardsLance Armstrong wannabeslittle bike people. This one time I drove in to the city from my home in — CHOOSE ONE —EvanstonBerwynNaperville and I saw someone on a bike — CHOOSE ONE —not wearing a helmet or clean underwearrun a stop signalmost graze a jaywalkerpark for freesurprise an inattentive driverflip me off after she felt I’d endangered her life. It made me feel so — CHOOSE ONE —madentitledold! Bikes aren’t like cars, which — CHOOSE ONE —totally pay their share of costsnever speedALWAYS stop at stop signsnever hurt anyone, ever, so it’s just not fair that — CHOOSE ONE —bike infrastructure receives public fundsdrivers that maim cyclists have to pay a small fine12 Divvy bikes get to dock where I’d like to park my carI'm expected to slow down once in awhile. Therefore bikes should be — CHOOSE ONE —run off the roadlicensed like carstaxed into oblivion. This will surely bring an end to all those times — CHOOSE ONE —cyclists injure driversI see someone having more fun than meI have my commute impededI feel old. Anyone who disagrees is probably just — CHOOSE ONE —a millennialaskin’ for a moutza.